welcome to my blog

3:46pm. Nov. 15th, 2023

I edited a ton of stuff on here, which is cool. I've been getting by, basically. Well, here goes the big update:

I dropped out of university. Sorry, I just like saying it. It sounds so dramatic, you know? I'm going to do a program at the same college my best friend will be going to, coincidentally. Coincidentally, it s also far away from my ex-best friend, and my ex-girlfriend. Speaking of her, the dreams have not stopped or gotten easier. It makes me wanna take out my brain and fling it against a wall sometimes, if I'm honest. I'm tired of seeing her face every night, making it so every time I wake up I don't feel rested and I just feel like Hell. I look it, too. My eye bags are getting extreme. I've started being more social, though, which is always really nice. I never was before, even though I'm extroverted. Autism, I guess. I'm no good at interacting with people. I hope I'm getting better.

Anyway, I'm applying for some jobs because the program I'm doing actually doesn't start until September. Which, if you have noticed, is... a year away. I'm really gonna be bored as Hell, aren't I? Well, who cares? I don't. Not much, anyway. I'm doing something that's good for me for once... and the silver lining is that with any luck, I won't ever see her again. Even though I miss her so badly that I debate deleting her number so I will never text her again. I haven't, because it's useless. I'd find a way if I really wanted to talk to her. Though, I have seen photos of her recently. She looks to be doing fine.

I shouldn't be mad. It's not like I'm not fine-well, I'm not amazing, but I'm getting on track-so why should I wish that she'd sit there wallowing about it? I guess I just want her to realize she was wrong. Wrong to cheat on me, wrong to tell me everything she did, wrong to think she was better than me. I still believe she is better than me. It made my mom cry.

It feels dumb writing this but I just needed to scream this into the void of the internet to pretend that anyone might read it. To know I said it somewhere, I guess. I think this is something people might get mixed up about me, because of the whole... Love Quinn thing. I wouldn't stop her from leaving, but I'm still here. Because I love her, no matter what. It's not my fault that when she said it back, she didn't mean it. That doesn't make me crazy, right? To love someone like that. To want to be loved like that? Oh well.

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12:01am, Nov. 5th, 2023

Oh, where the Hell do I even begin? I made this website as an escape and I'm finally using it, I guess. I got cheated on after two years. I've been in love with her for around seven, probably. I was stupid to think she'd understand, but after two years, deciding committment isn't for you? I guess I get it, though. It's not like I'd marry me. God, I just feel sick. I found out in July, and we broke up two months ago tomorrow. I'm still a wreck, and I feel pathetic. I don't know how to cope after I've been in love with her for so long. I've tried to find a way out of this, believe me. I wouldn't have been waiting for five years for her to notice me if I could... or maybe I would've, anyways.

I'm just a fucking idiot, I suppose. I haven't told anyone, but I dream of her every night. I've tried everything. Sleeping pills, weed, alcohol, watching nice things before bed, reading, keeping a regular sleep schedule, not doting on it before bed. But every time, without fail, she is there. I had a dream that instead of breaking up over the phone, she did it in person. She told me, "I don't want to do this."

So, I said, "then don't."

"But I have to, or else I'll..."

I stepped away from her, dropping my hands to my sides that were holding her hands to my cheeks. I backed away from her, and said, "then fine."

I walked away and threw myself around a back dirt road, flinging my body into the dirt and dust and against the cliffsides. Screaming and crying as though I was recreating that scene from Possession. I can't stop thinking about it, and her, and it is driving me mad to the point I've considered if it's some sort of witchery. I'm well protected, but I can't be sure. Or more likely, I'm just so in love that I'll do anything to make myself believe I can stop it. It's kind of funny how hard I'm grabbing onto the idea that I can fix this. That I'll forget her, that it's just some spell, or worse; I sometimes wonder if we could ever work again. Consciously, the thought makes me want to vomit. That self-centered, egomaniac, upper-class entitlement to forgiveness, right? But I just...

She's not that. At least, I didn't think so. I don't know if I do, even now. I told her I couldn't be her friend because I had to move on from everything. She thinks I just hate her for what she did, but it's so much more. I've even sent in one of those stupid unsent things. I wish I could hate her, but I love her so much. I know she doesn't love me. I know she's probably out with another girl. I guess I just hope sometimes she wants to tell me about her day like I do. I really hope when she gets into bed at night, she wakes up from those same dreams and thinks I hate her. I don't have a way to convince her myself.

She'll never see this. She never knew about this website or this username, but I'll say it anyway.

I hate you. Does it sound real yet?